Saturday, August 30, 2008
2. Resolving Interpersonal Conflict
History of a Poorly-Solved Conflict
Conflicts often arise through misunderstanding and through insensitivity caused by people who like to sow discord among others. I used to visit my seventh aunt at her coffee shop with my mother every Saturday. It was like a chit-chat session for my mother with her sister as well as my godmother, who is also my sixth aunt, and a little girl she babysat. I loved to play with little children until this particular incident that happened when I was ten years of age. Now, it made me think twice before playing with them.
One afternoon, I decided to ignore the little girl as my mother had warned me before we set off. For the past few weeks, she had been very whiny and caused me to be blamed for disturbing her. As I was daydreaming, the little girl mischievously arranged a row of chairs in front of her and tried to hit me behind them. Upon feeling the first impact of her little fist, I shifted away from her. Like a spoilt little brat, she persisted on hitting me. When she grew tired, she started to cry and accused me of hitting her! Like a protective guardian, my godmother reprimanded me, “You are old enough not to bully little children like that!” As she proceeded to hug and comfort that little “victim”, my seventh aunt began her own series of lectures with me when she caught wind about this drama.
Similarly, my mother chose to tell me off. Meanwhile, I was too stunned and young to react immediately. Finally, the ever peaceful and quiet uncle also joined in the fun. That was the last straw.
I did the unimaginable at that time. I yelled at them, “I did not do anything to her! She was the one who tried to hit me behind the chairs and got injured!” I totally lost it at that moment and broken down in tears of anger. I bet they were too shocked to continue putting me on the carpet. I refused to address them for the next two weeks. I had never been angrier. I felt so wronged and unfairly treated. Even though I knew it is not respectful to shout at adults, I simply had to stand up for myself.
Looking back, I should have tried to convince them that I was innocent. Perhaps, explain to them in a nice way so that they would not think that I was rude and had poor upbringing. I definitely do not want to reflect poorly on my parents. Unfortunately, the communication skills of a ten years old child were not very advanced then. The reaction was almost instinctive. For my mother side of story, I fully understand that she had to scold me even if she had believed me. It was like the “socially acceptable” action to take for a mother who has to be held responsible for my behavior.
On the other hand, my aunts and uncle could have reacted according to their strong belief that children (below two years old but not ten) do not lie. Perhaps, they were irritated by the annoying cry of children, so they tried to put a stop to it by reprimanding me. Yet, they ought to get to the bottom of the case before shooting their mouths off. Such accusations not only do not solve the root of problem but can also result in adverse psychological impacts in children. Since then, I believe that respect should be earned.
Now, people seem to forget about that incident, neither do they ever reprimand me again. Yet, I feel that the relationship can never be the same again. It is like a Chinese vase. Once broken, the vase may be mended; but it will never look the same. Family conflicts are such headaches, they are really hard to solve amicably. What would you do if one of your family members was biased against you?
